The Battle of Bipolar

My own mental health journey. 🐱‍🏍🎭

My ACTUAL Bipolar Brain 🎨

Hello! I'm Lauren,

I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar two years ago, but I’ve lived with Depression and Anxiety for at least 17 years

The first case of anxiety I remember was having Insomnia at seven-year-old, I would stay up all night to make sure my rabbit didn’t get attacked. Thumper would get attacked by a neighbour’s dog years later and I’m almost certain my anxiety didn’t stem from a premonition, or that I could have ever prevented this – but tell that to my anxiety these days who convinces me it’s all my fault.

The years since this first mental milestone have been: messy, drug-fuelled, full of poor choices and spent mostly believing in, (and simultaneously creating) all my failures. I first attempted suicide at 13 where I was given my first of countless anti-depressants. I struggled with my weight and bulimia for most my younger life. I moved to London at 19 and almost immediately started taking diet pills because of how much I perceived everyone to be so much skinnier and prettier than me. I would give anything to have that figure now, I didn't have an ounce of fat on me, so funny how your mind plays so many tricks.

London was the first university destination. There were three more after this. It took me a decade to finish university and it was my only focus/obsession during that time. I had a pattern; have a depressive episode, miss class, fall behind, get a surge of energy, complete assignments, do well, have a depressive episode, fall behind, repeat. I spent most of my time on uni work during the summer on resit work, than on campus. I didn’t make many friends because no one relied on me to show up for team work etc. and the more I didn’t socialise, the more I avoided class because I felt paranoid everyone hated me. My belly used to rumble with anxiety in lectures, I tried to eat so much beforehand to try and stop it, but it would always rumble anyway, which drew more attention to me and again the cycle repeats – the more I worried about it, the more it happened and the more unwanted attention I had on me. If I was even a minute late I wouldn't dare go in to class, I would rather miss the lesson and wait in the library than have anyone look at me walking in, or criticise me for being late.

I've never held down a true meaningful relationship, both with friends and partners. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 20-22, it was physical at times, but mainly emotional abuse. I had moved with him to a new city (Glasgow) and I didn't know anyone to try and get away, because he wouldn't let me out, ever. Uni folk stopped asking me anywhere because they thought I just wasn't interested in being friends with them. We ended up going to court after this person pulled a knife on me and threatened to cut my throat but due to a conflict of interests (same lawyer) and me being 'more emotional', it was me who ended up with the charge. This relationship set the bar for the future and ever since I've only ever seemed to go for the unhinged ones, the ones who bring me down, the ones who chuck my mental health in my face and make me feel worthless about myself. It's no real surprise I have such a low opinion of myself, but it's hard to aim higher when you truly believe you don't deserve happiness.

My friendships have wilted over the years also. Largely down to 'growing apart' but because even my childhood friends have grown sick of trying to invite me out, sick of me cancelling, sick of me having no money etc. It's really hard to hold onto true friendships with a mental health condition and at the minute I only have my darling pug and my mam who are truly there for me.

I graduated this summer with a First Class Honours in Journalism, almost two years after being eventually diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar. I’m on so much Lithium that I feel numb most the time and when I'm not numb I'm either recklessly spending my money, or crying in a heap on the floor for no real reason. I don't have many friends, the good ones I do have, either live far away or have given up trying with me because I'm unreliable. I used to be really shy and nowadays I'm the most cynical, often outspoken person in a conversation.

Ever since my diagnosis things have got better for me but this is largely due to the high volume of medication I'm on, it's levelled out the manic and depressive episodes but it's also levelled out most my emotions, I feel bad because I feel numb and when I do have an episode it largely knocks me for six these days because it's unexpected. I find the world both magical and incomprehensible, both cruel and kind.

I've been Vegetarian since I was 13 and Vegan for the last three years. I love my family more than anything in the world and would not be here without their support.

And that's (a very brief summary of) my story.